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There have been lots of lists of rules for aspiring writers going around the Internet the past few days. But I thought I'd make a different list of something I know more about.



10 secrets for those who aspire to breakfast

1. Don't just say you're going to eat your breakfast. EAT your friggin' breakfast.

2. You don't need a thick skin to eat your breakfast. If someone insults you while you are having it, the salty tears will make that porridge taste more Scottish.

3. No one can tell you how to eat your breakfast. But if you put it anywhere other than in your mouth hole, you're probably stupid or sick.

4. No one wants to review your breakfast for you. Keep it down in your stomach where it belongs.

5. Don't tell Facebook about every step of your breakfasting process. It's very, very boring. That's what Instagram is for.

6. Don't get upset if no one 'likes' your Instagram photos of your breakfast. When you are famous, you'll get thousands of likes for every croissant.

7. Don't go on about how miserable you are in your breakfasting occupation. Bililons of people in the world would also like to have breakfast. Breakfast is actually quite a pleasant thing, much better than coal mining.

8. You're not going to be a breakfast success overnight. You have to work up to it. Try eating a little more breakfast than you did yesterday. If you try hard enough, you'll be able to put away four boxes of Lucky Charms in one sitting. You might get to go on Oprah and talk about this.

9. You have to really WANT breakfast for it to happen. Don't be one of those waif-like Continental people who sit around with a mean little thimble of espresso. That is not breakfast.

10. Come up with lots of your own rules about breakfast so that people will look at the little adverts next to the list and buy your own-brand cereal. Mine are particularly tasty and nutritious and will turn your milk purple.

Comments

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
sie_will_es
Aug. 23rd, 2013 11:47 am (UTC)
Number 5 is just brilliant! :)
jabberworks
Aug. 30th, 2013 01:02 pm (UTC)
Cheers! That video still makes me laugh. :)
(Deleted comment)
jabberworks
Aug. 30th, 2013 01:02 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :)
mr_sadhead
Aug. 23rd, 2013 01:56 pm (UTC)
My rule is, go ahead and have the eggs benedict! Promise yourself you'll eat a salad for dinner, but start the day right.
jabberworks
Aug. 30th, 2013 01:02 pm (UTC)
ABSOLUTELY.
Candy Gourlay
Aug. 23rd, 2013 04:19 pm (UTC)
I've been in a foreign country and haven't managed to instagram my breakfast for a while. Bearskin becomes you!
jabberworks
Aug. 30th, 2013 01:02 pm (UTC)
What, no breakfast shots???! 8-0
dlasky
Aug. 27th, 2013 07:20 am (UTC)
The rules of Breakfast
Sarah, this thing you've made in your spare time here is like a great little mini-zine. And it's brilliant.

What I like best is the opening image -- "My Porridge is just right". I think you could sell giclee prints of this and be making extra money on it for years to come. It's an instant classic.

I am a big fan of cereal and milk. My main rule is to mix at least two flavors together for greater taste complexity (unless you have a pre-mixed flavor like "Honey Bunches of Oats"). And if you have extra milk at the end, by all means, ADD MORE CEREAL!
jabberworks
Aug. 30th, 2013 01:03 pm (UTC)
Re: The rules of Breakfast
Aw, cheers, David! And I'm also a big fan of mixing cereals. I love it at hotels when you get a big range and you can have some healthy stuff but then top it with Fruit Loops.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )