10 secrets for those who aspire to breakfast
1. Don't just say you're going to eat your breakfast. EAT your friggin' breakfast.
2. You don't need a thick skin to eat your breakfast. If someone insults you while you are having it, the salty tears will make that porridge taste more Scottish.
3. No one can tell you how to eat your breakfast. But if you put it anywhere other than in your mouth hole, you're probably stupid or sick.
4. No one wants to review your breakfast for you. Keep it down in your stomach where it belongs.
5. Don't tell Facebook about every step of your breakfasting process. It's very, very boring. That's what Instagram is for.
6. Don't get upset if no one 'likes' your Instagram photos of your breakfast. When you are famous, you'll get thousands of likes for every croissant.
7. Don't go on about how miserable you are in your breakfasting occupation. Bililons of people in the world would also like to have breakfast. Breakfast is actually quite a pleasant thing, much better than coal mining.
8. You're not going to be a breakfast success overnight. You have to work up to it. Try eating a little more breakfast than you did yesterday. If you try hard enough, you'll be able to put away four boxes of Lucky Charms in one sitting. You might get to go on Oprah and talk about this.
9. You have to really WANT breakfast for it to happen. Don't be one of those waif-like Continental people who sit around with a mean little thimble of espresso. That is not breakfast.
10. Come up with lots of your own rules about breakfast so that people will look at the little adverts next to the list and buy your own-brand cereal. Mine are particularly tasty and nutritious and will turn your milk purple.